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- How a chaplain’s fear turned into presence
- What dying often looks like in a hospital setting
- Why many people avoid talking about dying
- How to approach conversations as someone nears death
- Concrete ways loved ones can help
- Decisions to make before a crisis: end-of-life planning
- Misconceptions from film and what to expect instead
- Voices from the bedside: memory and meaning
Working as an interfaith chaplain at a busy trauma center changed J.S. Park’s relationship with death. What began as overwhelming anxiety about mortality slowly shifted into a sharper appreciation for small moments. He now talks and writes about how confronting death can deepen everyday life—and about what families should actually expect when a loved one is dying in a hospital.
How a chaplain’s fear turned into presence
Park arrived at Tampa General Hospital with pastoral training and curiosity. Early on, he faced a steady stream of emergencies. The near-constant exposure to trauma triggered what he calls intense death anxiety.
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At home, the fear would intrude. He found himself thinking a simple laugh might be the last time he heard it. Over time, those thoughts reframed his days. Instead of crushing him, they made ordinary moments feel more vivid.
When the possibility of loss is near, life can feel richer and more immediate, he says. He explores this idea often online, including on Instagram.
What dying often looks like in a hospital setting
People imagine cinematic goodbyes. Reality is usually different. Park warns that families may be shocked by physical signs of dying.
- The most striking is breathing. It can sound like gasping. The body is working hard to pull in oxygen.
- If a patient is intubated or undergoing procedures, their body may reflexively resist. Movements can look like a fight against the machines.
- After days or weeks in the hospital, hygiene and strength decline. The body shows signs of wear that can seem like it is “trying on” death.
These reactions are not cruelty—they are natural processes. The body often attempts to defend itself until its systems can no longer sustain life.
Why many people avoid talking about dying
Conversations about death trigger an existential panic. Loved ones and staff sometimes use platitudes to soothe that fear. Park used to resent them.
He realized those phrases come from a place of terror and helplessness. When a room faces its own fragility, people reach for anything that feels comforting.
Awkward responses often mask the deep fear of mortality. Understanding that can change how we interact with someone who is dying.
How to approach conversations as someone nears death
Big, dramatic reconciliations are rarer than movies suggest. Often, patients on life support are not aware or are too groggy to respond.
Park encourages families to speak plainly and now. Say what matters, even if the person cannot answer. Many caregivers believe the dying may still hear.
He shares a personal note: his last exchange with a close friend was mostly one-sided. He still talks to that memory as if the friend heard every word.
Practical things to say and do in the room
- Speak as you normally would. Share small stories and everyday details.
- Tell them what you love and forgive, even if you don’t expect a reply.
- Ask medical staff about comfort measures if you feel the care is causing pain.
Concrete ways loved ones can help
Park urges people to move beyond vague offers. “If you need anything, let me know” shifts burden to the grieving person.
- Offer specific help: bring a meal, pick up kids, do laundry. Small acts matter.
- Follow the patient’s emotional cues. Some people welcome silence. Others want to be tended to with concrete tasks.
- Avoid posing too many questions that demand emotional labor from someone already exhausted.
Practical, actionable offers remove pressure and feel more supportive.
Decisions to make before a crisis: end-of-life planning
One path to less obsession about death is to plan. Park recommends making choices about care and final wishes ahead of time.
Consider these questions:
- Do you want life support? Under what circumstances?
- Who should make decisions if you cannot?
- What small comforts matter at the end—photos, music, or a beloved pet?
Some patients write detailed requests in living wills. Simple preferences, like surrounding a bed with family photos or allowing a dog to visit, can restore dignity.
Small items of autonomy can bring major consolation in final moments. Having these conversations earlier gives people greater control.
Misconceptions from film and what to expect instead
Hollywood often packages death into tidy, redemptive scenes. In hospitals, endings are quieter and more fragmented.
Expect less theatrical closure and more practical concerns about comfort, breath, and care decisions. Preparing mentally for that difference eases shock.
Voices from the bedside: memory and meaning
Over a decade as a chaplain, Park has seen grief and resilience in close quarters. He frames his work as a role that blends spiritual care with psychological support.
He wrote As Long As You Need: Permission to Grieve to explore how people cope. His experience shows that naming fears, making plans, and offering practical help changes the final days.
Being present, concrete, and compassionate matters more than finding the perfect words.
