divorce coach reveals 7 things couples should know before ending their marriage

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• Redefining separation: a practical, humane approach to divorce
• Defining a “good divorce” for parents and adults
• When an amicable split is not the right path
• The emotional arc: grief, relief and the dimmer switch of healing
• How friends and family can actually help
• Planning the announcement: one message, less gossip
• Co-parenting schedules: flexibility beats rigidity
• Practical pre-marriage questions that reduce future fallout
• On the possibility of remarrying after divorce
• Where to read more and hear the conversation

Karen McNenny refused to let divorce define her family. When her marriage ended, she and her ex deliberately chose to preserve their roles as co-parents. That decision became the seed of a different approach to splitting up—one that treats separation as a rebuild rather than a ruin.

Redefining separation: a practical, humane approach to divorce

McNenny draws on decades of work as a mediator and a certified divorce coach. She argues divorce can be managed in ways that protect relationships, finances and mental health. Her method centers on deliberate choices, not reactive conflict.

She wrote a book about it called The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family. The book lays out strategies for divorcing without turning a family into a battlefield.

Research shows divorce is common. About a third of people who have ever married saw their first marriage end. That reality is why McNenny thinks couples should learn these tools early.

Defining a “good divorce” for parents and adults

A good divorce, McNenny says, aims to protect the family’s future while dissolving the legal partnership. For co-parents, that means continuing to work as a team around the children.

• For parents: Maintain cooperative parenting, share consistent messaging, and minimize conflict in front of kids.
• For people without kids: Focus on preserving physical and mental health and avoiding long-term bitterness.

She frames the goal simply: end the marriage, not the family or the capacity for mutual respect.

When an amicable split is not the right path

McNenny is clear that collaboration isn’t always safe or possible. Some situations demand distance and legal protection.

• Active abuse or domestic violence
• Ongoing addiction or untreated severe mental illness
• Coercion or controlling behavior

In those cases, prioritizing safety is paramount. A “good divorce” strategy is not a substitute for protection.

The emotional arc: grief, relief and the dimmer switch of healing

Divorce often brings mixed feelings. Relief can arrive alongside deep grief. McNenny compares recovery to a dimmer switch rather than a light that flips on instantly.

Grief after a marriage ends can resemble the mourning people offer after a death. Friends may underestimate that loss, because the partner is still living.

• Expect waves of emotion; progress can be non-linear.
• Allow time for identity shifts and practical adjustments.
• Seek support from friends, therapists or community resources.

How friends and family can actually help

People often treat divorce like bad news that requires a quick fix. McNenny suggests a more sustained response, similar to support after illness or bereavement.

• Offer regular check-ins, meals or help with childcare.
• Avoid picking sides or asking for details that force someone to relive trauma.
• Ask, “How are you?” rather than, “Why did this happen?”

These actions reduce isolation and acknowledge the pain of losing a shared life.

Planning the announcement: one message, less gossip

McNenny recommends a coordinated communication plan. When possible, ex-partners should deliver a single, unified message to their community.

A clear, composed notice helps protect children and limits speculation.

• Agree on the tone and basic facts ahead of time.
• Decide who will tell grandparents, teachers and close friends.
• Use a brief statement that asks for privacy and support, not interrogation.

Example phrasing: “We made a difficult decision. We remain committed to parenting as a team. Please ask how we are doing, not why.” This kind of message prevents people from feeling forced to take sides.

Co-parenting schedules: flexibility beats rigidity

Schedules often evolve as children age. McNenny and her ex adjusted over time from short splits to longer stays, guided by the kids’ needs.

• Start with a simple rotation and refine it over time.
• Watch for what helps kids settle: longer stretches can offer stability.
• Keep the calendar flexible; don’t let it become a weapon.

The key is responsiveness. Let children’s preferences and practicalities shape the plan rather than strict rules that cause conflict.

Practical pre-marriage questions that reduce future fallout

McNenny urges couples to talk about the business side of partnership before tying the knot. That conversation makes later choices clearer.

• Discuss finances openly: joint accounts, mortgages and long-term obligations.
• Consider a prenuptial agreement as a planning tool, not a prediction of failure.
• Talk about daily life: chores, alone time and compatible routines.

She advises couples to treat prenups as conversation starters. Even if partners decide against signing, the dialogue helps reveal expectations and limits.

On the possibility of remarrying after divorce

McNenny says she hopes to commit again in the future. She believes partnerships can foster personal growth and the chance to be a better partner the next time.

Repairing from divorce does not mean giving up on long-term love. It may mean approaching future relationships with more knowledge and clearer boundaries.

Where to read more and hear the conversation

The ideas above are drawn from McNenny’s recent book and a conversation with the Life Kit team. The book offers step-by-step guidance for reshaping family life after separation.

You can find related Life Kit episodes on major podcast platforms. The Life Kit team also accepts listener stories and questions by voicemail and email.