By Steve Jones
Our political analyst Steve Jones decided it would be pertinent to Live tweet the debates last night. unfortunately, he does not own a twitter, and since going through the trouble of setting one up for him is something we simply could not be bothered to do, we decided instead that we would give his stream of consciousness an outlet and see what happens.
PART I: OPENING STATEMENTS
Bullock: Getting the same rights as the rest of the developed world is a pipe dream.
Williamson: I’m not just a spiritualist – here’s some history.
Delaney: Getting the same rights as the rest of the developed world is impossible.
Ryan: If I use enough progressive catch-phrases, I might get some progressive votes.
Hickenlooper: Pragmatism = Ultracapitalism. Leftists have never accomplished anything in human history.
Klobuchar: I’m folksy.
O’Rourke: Here’s some vague inspiring rhetoric. Vote for me.
Buttigieg: Hey young kids, I’m young.
Warren: Anyone is better than Trump, and I’ll side with anyone over him. We need
Sanders: Here quite a lot of details about what’s corrupt and broken about the US. However, here’s some vague comments about how grassroots will transform society.
PART II: HEALTHCARE
Bernie: We deserve what Canada already has.
Delaney: Nuh-uh, I’m folksy.
Bernie: We need stability; we want to choose docs and hospitals, not insurance.
Warren: Dems don’t want to take healthcare away from anyone; Delaney is using GOP talking points (and I’m also folksy and know personal anecdotes). The middle class will pay less; the rich will pay more.
Buttigieg: Public option first, it will become Medicare for All Who Want It (incrementalism).
O’Rourke: Medicare for America (see, I said Medicare, too).
Bullock: Improve the system, don’t change it.
O’Rourke: Medicare OR employer insurance if you want it.
Klobuchar: I will fight and be tough (for incrementalism).
Sanders: I’m not the only one advocating this. Healthcare industry advertising on this program, with GOP talking points.
Warren: The current system works created for the healthcare industry. It doesn’t work for us.
Delaney: I’ve been in the biz, so I know it more than others when I say it should stay basically the same.
Hickenlooper: Private = choice; public = lack of choice.
Williamson: I admire Warren and Sanders, but despite my spiritualist status, I’m a moderate.
Buttigieg: GOP will say we’re socialists no matter what.
Sanders: Current system is dysfunctional and corrupt; it’s not worth saving.
Ryan: Union folks don’t want government-healthcare. Buy in if they want.
Sanders: Benefits will be BETTER than the current system – comprehensive. “I do know – I wrote the damn bill.” Wage increases instead of putting money into healthcare.
Delaney: Here’s a bunch of nonsense that ignores the wasteful spending of the healthcare industry.
Sanders: Hospitals save b/c no bureaucratic; non-profit system; it’s too complex now.
Delaney: I’m right because “Business Math.”
PART III: IMMIGRATION
Buttigieg: Protections for Dreamers + nation of laws. There is bipartisan agreement. Fraud = criminal law; non-fraud = civil law.
O’Rourke: End for-profit detention; assistant countries to prevent illegal immigration.
Warren: Criminalization statute leads to human rights violations, family separations.
Hickenlooper: Secure borders.
Klobuchar: Immigrants are America. Bipartisan.
Sanders: Stop demonizing desperate people who flee violence. Bring hemisphere together to rebuild Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador.
Bullock: We’re blowing this out of proportion (translation: this stuff doesn’t matter to white people). But it matter’s to
Warren: Path to citizenship for all ages.
Bullock: All this compassion is CRAZY
Warren: Asylum is the law. Don’t ignore the law.
Ryan: All these progressives are encouraging MORE illegals to come in.
Sanders: Humane policies will lead to fewer backlogs.
Williamson: Why are all these Dems talking about SOLUTIONS?
PART IV: GUN VIOLENCE
Buttigieg: Gun violence needs to stop. I was in the military; military weapons don’t belong in communities.
Hickenlooper: Gun violence needs to stop. Bipartisan solutions!
Klobuchar: Gun violence needs to stop. NRA is the sole problem.
Buttigieg: Were
Klobuchar: It hasn’t happened b/c the NRA. The people are with us.
Bullock: Gun violence needs to stop. I like guns, but Koch Bros as buying reps.
O’Rourke: Gun violence needs to stop. Money buys outcomes. Ban PAC contributions.
Sanders: Gun violence needs to stop. There is no magical solution. D- record with NRA. Rid of loopholes.
Buttigieg: End Electoral College, Amendment against Citizens United, statehood for DC, structural reform of Supreme Court, and bold action.
Bullock: Anything we can do in Montana we can do anywhere else.
Williamson: Gun violence needs to stop. NRA’s the problem. Need public funding for campaigns. Some on this stage have taken corporate money.
PART V: BEATING TRUMP
Hickenlooper: Progressive stuff alienates comfy white people, and they are who will decide this election.
Sanders: I can beat Trump, including in battleground states. I’m a genuine dem-socialist. Trump is a fraud and phony.
Hickenlooper: Force people to adopt new plans; mayors deal with this.
Sanders: I was a mayor. 54 year anniversary of Medicare. Lowering the age for Medicare is not radical.
Ryan: Working-class people only care about themselves; they are incapable of empathy, so we should listen to them!
O’Rourke: Texas is in play – go to every county, no matter how ROO-UHL.
Bullock: I won a Trump state. Win back places you lost. Working-class people only care about the economy.
Warren: I’m a capitalist who beats banks and Wall Street. Democrats win when we figure out what’s right, and we get out there and fight for it.
Delaney: Democrats win when we have no vision and reinforce the status quo.
Warren: Why run for prez at all if you’re just gonna say what we can’t do? Status quo is corruption, we need to fight back.
Delaney: Social Security didn’t end pensions.
Warren: Private insurance sucks billions out of healthcare, want to say no to you.
Sanders: Detroit destroyed by trade policy. To defeat Trump: energy, excitement, vision. Young people in the process; public colleges tuition-free, cancel student debt.
Klobuchar: I promise that I won’t make promises to get elected.
O’Rourke: We show our commitments by delivering on our commitments. Commitments. Work with Republicans to win.
PART VI: CLIMATE CRISIS
Delaney: Green New Deal might be scientific, but it’s not business. I got biz solutions.
Warren: The US is all about innovation and creation. We can do it. Create jobs in the industrial Midwest.
Hickenlooper: Urgent problems need solutions. We can’t just be bold on our own.
Warren: This could revitalize US cities, but Dems are repeating GOP talking points.
Ryan: Chief Manufacturing Officer to oversee Dept of Energy, Transportation, Tech, Vehicles, to dominate e-vehicles, batteries, charging stations, solar panels, etc. This person will work in the White House. Sustainable agriculture, sequester carbon into the soil. (Also, I miss my baseball hat.)
Sanders: Republicans have big ideas; trillion-dollar tax breaks, bail out Wall Street crooks. We can take on the fossil fuel industry.
Ryan: Don’t yell at me, Bernie. I need my hat.
Sanders: There is no choice. Aggressive if we want to leave children a habitable planet. We need to lead the world on this.
Bullock: At least we all think climate change is real. Don’t blame energy workers.
Sanders: Ain’t nobody more pro-worker than me. We’re not blaming workers, we want to transition them.
Bullock: Your plan is a press release. So what if scientists agree with you.
O’Rourke: I met farmers and students. Vote for me.
Buttigieg: We have to win before we deal with climate change.
Klobuchar: Still drinking bottled water in Flint. Trillion dollars into this; take money from rich to give to poor (but I’m no socialist!).
Williamson: Trump gutted Clean Water Act. Communities of color face more environmental issues. Something about a “dark psychic force.”
PART VII: RACE
O’Rourke: Racism is bad. Hate crimes are on the rise.
Hickenlooper: Equality is good. We need to have good plans (whatever those are).
Warren: White supremacy is domestic terrorism. Racism: environmental, criminal justice, economic, healthcare, education. Universal tuition-free college; increase Pell grants, money in HBCUs; cancel debt for 95% of students; cancel the wealth gap between black and white communities.
Buttigieg: I haven’t fixed racial problems in South Bend, but when it comes to the whole country, I believe in myself
Klobuchar: Trump voters aren’t racist – they just voted for the most openly racist candidate in modern American history.
O’Rourke: Let me lean down into this mic to show how tall I am. Slavery is bad. Reparations.
Williamson: $500 Billion for reparations; payment of a debt that is owed. We don’t need a commission to study it. This injustice has never been dealt with; slavery followed by domestic terrorism. It should be trillions, but let’s do $500 Billion.
Sanders: Pro-Clyburn’s legislation – 10/20/30 (if you don’t know what that is, too bad – I’m gonna change the subject). Education – end segregated schools, $60,000/year for teachers.
PART VIII: ECONOMY
Ryan: China steals, eroded our manufacturing; our middle-class wealth went to 1% here, or to build China’s military. The US should drive electric vehicles. Trump’s steel tariffs aren’t necessarily bad.
Delaney: (Wow, they’re calling on me a lot.) I’m the only one here who supports the TPP.
Warren: Our trade policy is written by giant multinational corporations; they have no loyalty to the US. Unions, small biz, farmers, environmentalists, human rights activists should all be at the table.
Delaney: We can’t isolate ourselves from what corporations want us to do.
Sanders: Let me say…
Lemon: Not your turn.
Sanders: Oopsie.
Warren: We can make trade deals written by workers.
O’Rourke: Tariffs lead to tax increases for Americans.
Sanders: I voted against NAFTA, etc., but led the effort against these agreements. Corporate America doesn’t care about workers; if they can save, they’ll outsource, ship jobs overseas, etc. No government contracts with unfair businesses.
Hickenlooper: Trade wars are for losers. I don’t have any solutions, I’m just gonna critique progressive solutions.
Warren: Trade deals are about multinationals creating profits.
Bullock: Here’s some stuff about Montana.
Buttigieg: Business closures are bad. This is bigger than trade; the nature of the economy is changing; gig-workers should unionize. Christians are blocking minimum wage increase, but the Bible says to care for the poor.
Lemon: Delaney, you are a millionaire, subject to Warren’s wealth tax.
Warren: [Rubs hands together excitedly.]
Delaney: I’m a real biz-boy. Rich should pay more in taxes. Wealth tax maybe unconstitutional.
Warren: Wealth tax – 1/10 of 1%. 2 cents on every dollar after $50 million. Universal childcare, pre-k, raise wages of childcare workers, universal tuition-free college, expand Pell grants, money into HBCU, 95% cancellation of student debt.
Delaney: That’s not a real solution; here are other taxes.
PART IX: STUDENT DEBT
Buttigieg: Total debt forgiveness unfair; those who take out loans after missing the deadline. Dept of Ed is a predatory lender.
Sanders: Here are my income and wealth inequality talking points.
Williamson: Free college for all qualified students. Rid of debt leads to stimulating the economy.
O’Rourke: Free 2-year college (room and board), because apparently, an Associates degree is all you need in an economy where even PhDs can’t get jobs.
Klobuchar: Universal plans allow wealth kids to go for free, too. Refinance debts; better rates for teachers.
PART X: FOREIGN POLICY
Sanders: Some non-interventionist stuff I say might sound similar to Trump, but he lies and I don’t. Diplomacy, not war. Pro-UN. Bring countries together. Peaceful solutions.
Hickenlooper: Airplane hangers are noisy.
Ryan: No meeting unless close to a deal. Presidents don’t negotiate. Pew-pew.
Klobuchar: Here’s a lot of stuff that doesn’t have to do with N Korea. Also, put our interests first.
Buttigieg: Withdraw all soldiers from Afghanistan in the first year.
O’Rourke: Withdraw all soldiers from Afghanistan in the first term. No reason for us to be at war everywhere.
Hickenlooper: Withdraw = humanitarian disasters. Status quo = status
Warren: No preemptive nukes. Preemptive = unsafe, unprepared, bad decisions. Best military on earth – doesn’t mean you just throw it around without respect. If going in, no plan to go out.
Bullock: All options on the table. [Warren’s Face: WTF.] Trump has flipped adversaries and allies, but I like NOOKYOOLUR weapons.
Warren: We put the world at risk with nukes. Iran’s working on nukes after Trump nixed the deal.
Bullock: We need NOOKYOOLUR proliferation. [Warren’s Face: WTF.] De-
PART XI: AGE
Buttigieg: I’m 37, Bernie is 77. Age doesn’t matter; vision does. But age leads to vision.
Sanders: [Bites lip and has a flashback.]
Buttigieg: GOP needs to put country over party.
Sanders: Age doesn’t matter, vision does. I’m asking all candidates to refuse money from healthcare and other industry that exploits Americans. That’s a new vision. 100% cancellation of student debt,
PART XII: CLOSING STATEMENTS
Bullock: I’m folksy. Also, my name in the UK is a swear.
Williamson: Wonks won’t defeat Trump. If you know the game, you won’t win. I don’t know the game. Vote for me.
Delaney, without irony: Trump is divisive, and I’m the only one on this stage who isn’t!
Ryan: Who cares about political labels; come with me to Imaginationland (but yeah, I’m a moderate).
Hickenlooper: I loved poo-pooing progressives tonight. I’m a real biz-boy, too. I’m progressive because I self-define regardless of the social contract we have about the meaning of words. Biz-boy out.
Klobuchar: Here are some sad anecdotes. I can win. After all, I’m a moderate.
O’Rourke: Despite the reality of history, I will say that things are worse now than ever. I’ve got an inspirational cadence that might remind you of Obama, but I’m just gonna talk about me instead of hope and change.
Buttigieg: We’re living in a post-apocalyptic shitstorm. But I’ll be your Mad Max.
Warren: Autobiography – I’m here because of low-cost education. Who gets an opportunity – billionaires, or our kids? Government is a tool for the powerful. Beat it with big structural change; grassroots; give people a reason to vote. Try me, billionaires. I’ll cut ya.
Sanders: Autobiography – I’m here because of rent-control. Trump is a racist, sexist, homophobe. Working-class decimated. Detroit to Canada: insulin field trip. Big industry is corrupt – healthcare, energy, prison. Check out my website; give me a like; friend me on Facebook; retweet my twitters.
